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Over 32 years working in this field, I have a common question from parents of adult children, “When will my children be old enough that we don’t need to worry about them anymore?”

To me, this is very disheartening, as this question is most often asked by parents with tears in their eyes. They are talking about the babies that they nurtured, loved, guided and protected for so many years. This was supposed to be the time that everything should be going fine for them. These children have either graduated from high school and are employed and seemingly doing fine, while others are off to college and/or possibly graduated from college. However, somehow, things are not going in the direction the parents had hoped and prayed for.

First of all, as long as we are alive, our adult children will be our children. How many times have you made a comment about one of them and stated, “He’s really a good kid, but he just doesn’t seem to be able to deal with responsibility”?

Adult children are not kids; they are adults. So, when you catch yourself referring to your adult children as kids, please clarify that for yourself. It is important you have that clearly in your mind. I believe we, the adults, need to think of and treat our adult children as adults. Yes, indeed, we need to hold them accountable as adults. For some of us, it may be tough, but you may need to push those adults out of the nest! I don’t preach very often, but I strongly advocate: as long as we think of them as kids, we will not change our attitude about what we expect of them.

I don’t know of any parent who has raised a child who has not thought of what that child would be like as an adult. We all have our dreams. We are so happy when they reach that adult age, yet sometimes we are saddened by some of the lack of development we see. I believe it is the sadness and/or guilt inside of each of us that prevents us and holds us back from making them accountable.

Perhaps we believe if I had only been a better father or mother, if I had spent more productive time with them and helped them with their homework, or if I had spent more time and participated more in their sports, my kid would feel more loved and would be doing better. I strongly suggest that you don’t go there! It will lead you nowhere!

I can recall very implicitly how I felt about my children as they were growing up and at the same time I was growing up.

I felt sorry for my children because for quite a few years they did not have their father around due to the extent of his major depression that incapacitated him from being able to provide for us. It was at this time that I began college and also needed to work and provide an income. Not wanting to be away from my children any more than I needed, I taught piano in my home. However, things became much easier when he came back home, was doing better emotionally and was working full time. I still felt some sadness that my children missed those years without their father.

This was further complicated when their father died an accidental death on the job. Again, my three young children were without a father. I was still in college and still growing up emotionally and learning academically.

Throughout those years, I had depended upon my oldest son the most to help with chores around the house. The others also had their responsibilities, as there was much to be done. I knew I couldn’t do it alone. My son was very good about helping. However, this created problems. For you see, as he was growing and challenging, I had difficulty in being the parent in charge. My guilt button would get pushed, when he really needed a firm parental adult.

After all, how could I be so cruel to him and ground him, when he was always there ready to help? He had been living independently and by the age of 21 he had nearly finished his bachelor’s degree and had a helicopter’s license, when he experienced the same type of depression his father had. He had moved away from home and had come back because he was destitute. It took everything I had to be very firm with him and agree to allow him to come home only after he signed a written agreement (contract) as to his commitment to us regarding what he would do and the time permitted to remain in our residence.

While I recognized his major depression, he was in total denial of it. He struggled to live up to our agreement, but when the time came I knew I had to be firm (I have to admit the guilt did a number on me).

Thank God, by then I had learned that I could only help him when he recognized and accepted the fact that he had a major problem. I needed to stand tall and shove my guilt aside and be the strong parent he needed at that time in his life.

This is just one example of how our guilt or sadness buttons can get pushed and we can get trapped into parenting inappropriately. I could go on and on about case histories where parents have let their feelings control over their intellect. I will touch more on this topic in the future.

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Carolyn Katchmar is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Address questions to Ethics & Civility, Marco Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.