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Most parents are very frustrated by their children’s anger. They are concerned as to why their children tend to be so angry and they don’t understand the anger.

First it’s important to understand that your young children are experiencing a mixture of feelings that they are too young to differentiate. For example: When they experience irritation, frustration, resentment, hurt, fear or anxiety, they are basically experiencing a variation of two themes; that of either anger or fear. When these emotions are triggered, they release large amounts of adrenaline since the body feels attacked and needs to either protect itself or get away, which is the ‘fight or flight’ reaction.

Children have instinctively become quick to anger and quick to fear because they have not learned to control their emotions along with their feeling of helplessness. Thus, they respond to their instinctive protective mechanism. Whenever a child becomes fearful or angry, as we mentioned, adrenaline floods his or her system. It energizes the muscles and makes one stronger and enables a child to either flee or to defend himself. However, the adrenaline flow can also create a heightened state of stress and become troublesome.

These adrenaline-producing emotions can become habit-forming and can also become addicting, which is especially true of anger. Since the state of adrenaline arousal can be enjoyable, a child can easily make it a part of his or her being. This is what we call the ‘angry child syndrome.’ A child will react to even the mildest of frustrations with anger because it feels good to let off steam. The anger also gives the child a sense of power of being in control. However, this can easily become a bad habit that not only destroys relationship, but can also be detrimental to good health. Thus, the angry child can develop into an adult with the so called Type A personality — the hard-driving, hurried, easily frustrated type that is especially prone to many diseases, such as heart disease, high blood pressure, digestive disorders, etc.

There is no doubt, the emotion of anger, does serve a very important function in protecting oneself. It’s a signal that alerts one that there is a violation of one’s rights or of a threat. But, anger can be a dangerous emotion if it’s left unattended. It’s important to heed the signal of anger at the earliest possible moment and take steps to deal with the threat or violation in an appropriate manner.

When anyone is angry, be it child or adult, it’s important not to nurse a grudge. I remember being told early in life, ‘don’t go to bed angry.’ I relate unresolved anger to a kettle left boiling. Sooner or later it runs dry and destroys itself. I strongly believe that anger ‘as a behavior’ is seldom healthy in our culture, although anger as a feeling is important and must be recognized, understood and verbalized. However, anger is usually a secondary feeling.

Anger is usually fueled by one or more primary, vulnerable feelings that leave one feeling threatened, scared, helpless and very uncomfortable. We are much like a volcano that is building up inside until it erupts. Thus, we erupt with anger, which gives us a false sense of power and control. However, it’s important to address the primary feeling that fueled the anger. If children can be encouraged to talk about their anger and the underlying feelings, rather than being left to act out the anger, they will not only be less stressed, but will also be healthier and happier in other areas of their lives as well.

Help your child when he/she is angry to take slow deep abdominal breaths. This is done by breathing through the nose all the way down to the stomach three times.

When your adolescents or teens are angry and upset give them time out. When they have calmed down, have them express to you or to their sibling how they felt about the situation that occurred without name calling and without placing blame.

Communicate with your children. Talk with your children about situations that tend to bring up anger in them. Discuss their reactions.

Remember, children learn from what they see, more than what they hear. Your children will learn appropriate ways of showing anger from you.

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Carolyn Katchmar is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Address questions to Ethics & Civility, Marco Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.