STORY TOOLS

• E-mail story
• iPod friendly
• Printer friendly

Tell us about it

• What would you add to this story? Tell us what we missed.
• Do you have photos from this event? Documents we need to see? Share with us.
• Upload photos & videos
• More ways to get your stuff online and in the paper.

More Ethics & Civility

• Ethics & Civility: Life after high school — are they prepared?
• Ethics & Civility: Screening your children’s movies
• Ethics & Civility: Don’t push your own guilt buttons — nor let your adult children do so

Share and Enjoy [?]

It’s not unusual to worry at times. All of us have been worried about something and conveyed our worries to a family member or friend and were told, “Don’t worry.”

It’s a natural comment one says to try to get someone to stop worrying, but to stop doing it is another issue. It’s very similar to saying to someone who is overweight, “Don’t eat so much!” Naturally, we know that is true, but being told that is not helpful at all. It certainly doesn’t help the individual lose weight. In fact, many times it has just the opposite effect.

I admit I worry at times, but wish I didn’t. Let’s face it, it’s not easy to avoid when someone we love is having a problem. For example, just a few months ago, I learned one of my 4½ year old twin granddaughters had to go to Boston Children’s Hospital due to an infection in her parotid gland, which in turn, developed a secondary infection that affected all of her muscles and joints. She was in intense pain and they could not find the correct medication to give her relief. I felt for my daughter who was with her 24-hours a day while her husband was home with the twin sister and six year old brother. She tried to console her daughter, yet the little girl could not stand being held because of the pain.

If you look at worry a little closer, it’s actually a form of anxiety that alerts us to danger areas in our lives. It’s important that we realize that worry can be problematic or unhealthy when it either persist too long or it fails to lead us to constructive solutions.

Persistent worry interferes with our life and is unproductive. It actually prevents us from living a fulfilling life. I’m sure most of you know of someone who has become incapacitated with worry. The individual goes around and around in circles of worry and cannot find a way out. We also know from research that worry is actually unhealthy.

When clients come in who worry excessively, I help them see that worrying has become a ‘habit of their mind’ which actually goes nowhere but in circles. Thus, in essence, they need to do something different that will bring about some constructive action. If you have a worry, make two columns on a piece of paper to write about your worries. In one column, write the worries you can do something about and in the other column the situations you cannot change. People have found looking at situations in black and white has helped them gain some perspective.

When you look at the column of the worries you can do something about, it’s important to focus on some action that will bring about a resolution. Personally, I have found it helpful to rename my worries and call them ‘concerns.’ Somehow, for me and many of my clients, it seems the renaming helps reduce the heaviness of the worry of these problematic situations and lightens the weight I carry around on my shoulders.

In the column of worries or ‘concerns’ you can do something about, make an action list of what you can do about a situation. For example, if you notice an abnormal mark or growth on your body you can make an appointment with a dermatologist. Or you can decide to worry and not do anything about it. Most of us feel better when we can find a situation that we are concerned or worried about and where we can find some potential solutions.

Unfortunately, we also have the problem of worrying about the things that we cannot change. Worrying about these situations is useless. It prevents us from using our mind for other things and becomes more stressful on us physically and emotionally.

The worry that is the toughest to deal with is of the one over which you have no control. Many of my clients have found relief by a simple writing exercise. If you have a worry which you find yourself powerless over, I suggest you write it on a piece of paper and place it in a small box. If you believe in God, you can call it ‘God’s worry box.’ If not, you can call it your ‘power box.’ Give that worry over to whatever higher power you have. It’s very important to get the worry out of going around and around endlessly in your own mind since you have no real power over it. It’s useless worry.

For any of you who do worry excessively, I realize there will be times when it may be very difficult to do this, especially when the worry seems to be overpowering and immobilizing. However, I encourage you to be aware of your head talk and catch yourself when you do worry. When you do catch yourself, immediately write it down on paper so you will know it will not be forgotten. Then you can go on with what you need to do. You can set a time aside when you will spend some time to worry about the issue. Therefore, your mind can let go of it until later, thus freeing you to be functional in performing other tasks.

When your allocated worry time has arrived, give your undivided attention for at least five minutes, but not more than ten minutes, focusing on what is worrying you and what you can do about this particular worry to bring it to a solution. This will enable you to change some of the worry into concern.

When your worry time has ended, make a note of the ideas or decisions you made about your worry. Thus, you know, they will be there for you as a reminder to focus on at your next scheduled worry time. Thus, this again helps free you from the worry so you can put your focus on whatever else needs to be done.

If you have continued excessive worry, consultation with your medical doctor or therapeutic professional is recommended.

Keep in mind that excessive worrying is useless and unhealthy for you. However, concern is taking some steps toward constructive solutions. It is much healthier for mind and body.

---

Carolyn Katchmar is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Address questions to Ethics & Civility, Marco Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.