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Intimacy in a relationship is the “true jewel” each person searches and struggles to obtain. Unfortunately, many people do not have a clear knowledge of exactly what they are looking for. Thus, they are blindly searching for it in the wrong places and in unhealthy ways such as alcohol, drugs, sexual affairs, overeating, pornography, etc.

Each person is looking to fill that need inside, yet still feels so very much alone. Therefore, it’s no surprise that we have so many divorces.

There are various forms of intimacy, but for today, I will focus on the two most popular ones which are emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy. Women are more known for needing the emotional intimacy while men have the strong desire for sexual intimacy.

It’s naturally easier for girls to be emotionally intimate. We women easily recognize and express our feelings because it has been a part of our lives from early on. However, society has not been very kind to boys and has done them a hindrance by discouraging them the expression of their feelings.

However, I encourage all men, it’s never too late. Become aware today of your feelings and begin to identify with them. Notice when you are having a feeling. You may first notice the feeling of anger. That is fairly natural. But, take a deep breath and close your eyes and let yourself reflect and let yourself feel the vulnerable feeling underneath the protection of that anger. Are you feeling sad, lonely, anxious, insecure, irritated, etc. That is the feeling that was there first before the anger took over. Then identify on a scale of 0-10 with 10 being the highest, the strength of that feeling. Once you know what you are feeling, you can freely discuss your concerns in a caring and understanding way with your partner. You can be assured, it will be much easier for your wife to hear your vulnerable feelings rather than your feelings of anger or rage.

A marriage also needs a healthy sexual intimacy for a healthy marital intimacy. Sex between a man and a woman in marriage can be a totally beautiful experience when real love is truly felt. A woman who knows she is loved in all areas of marriage will very readily take pleasure in having sex with the man she married. Happier married couples are able to discuss their sexual concerns and preferences. However, if your wife continues to have problems sexually, she may have had some sexual trauma early in life and very likely may need some professional help.

To make this intimacy work it takes respect for self and respect for others. It’s the old golden rule; treat others as you would like to be treated. This will help build a true sense of security for both individuals. When people feel safe, it feels more comfortable to be open and vulnerable.

We also need to listen and pay attention to what the other person has to say. Each person has a wealth of knowledge to share. Some people only want to talk about themselves. Self-centeredness has been known to kill any intimacy.

We need expressions of caring through tenderness of touch which is very essential in creating this intimacy. Our spouse needs to know you genuinely care about his or her well-being. If you do something that hurts your spouse, it does not convey healthy intimacy.

I know it’s a lot to ask, but think before you insert your foot into your mouth. Thus, I suggest you think about what will happen if you say this or that to your spouse. Ask yourself how will my spouse receive that? Is there a better way I can say what I want that will be received in a loving and caring manner?

Remember you are not perfect. You are going to make some mistakes. We need to take responsibility and apologize when we recognize our mistakes. Along with the comment of “I’m sorry,” needs to be a comment about what you are going to do to remedy the situation so it does not happen again. We can all say we are sorry, but words are just lip service. No change happens. We need to make our words take action for another to believe us and to be able to trust us again.

Along with the apology comes the ability to forgive our partner for whatever they may have done. It means being able to let go of any anger, resentments, and desire for revenge. Keeping score in a relationship does not build intimacy; it only builds walls. Forgiveness will not automatically build trust. However, it’s a first step in being able to free yourself to be able to look at the situation in a different light. (However, if your partner has been physically, mentally, verbally or emotionally abusive — of course, you need to step back. But, the forgiveness will free you from the negativity of the feelings to allow you to take some positive action for yourself.)

These are all qualities that are definitely needed for both partners to feel open and vulnerable to have a healthy intimate relationship. Intimacy can be experienced at many levels. You can work together to increase this intimacy as you continue to build your marriage.

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Carolyn Katchmar is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Address questions to Ethics & Civility, Marco Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.