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How do you know if your relationship is healthy? For over 30 years I have seen people come in ready to leave their first, second or third marriage. Most of them believed they had a healthy relationship in the beginning. So, what happened that for most of the time, these marriages ended in divorce over and over?

Early in a relationship, it is quite normal for people to be seeing things through rose-colored glasses. Everything is beautiful. There are no problems. However, it is important this does not blind you from seeing the situation as it is. I suggest to anyone that comes for dating assistance to make a list of the qualities they are looking for in a relationship and to not settle for less.

I will list a few of the top qualities I believe are most important for building a strong and healthy relationship. You might look at these qualities as being similar to laying the foundation of a house. If a builder doesn’t have a strong foundation for a house, it may easily collapse. Likewise, if you don’t have a strong foundation for your relationship, your relationship will collapse! Each of these qualities build upon one another.

Respect comes high on the priority list. I believe for anyone to feel loved by their partner they need to know their partner respects them. A partner should be treated with respect at all times. They need to feel their partner sees them as a fully functional and remarkable person. In a relationship there is no place for one person claiming to be better than the other. The best solution is for each to see the other as being different.

Honesty is another top qualifying item. Honesty is a vital stone to the health of all relationships. If you catch your partner telling you a lie, it is important that you take off your rose colored glasses and look at things clearly. A relationship cannot exist built upon lies. Pay attention to your partner and listen to stories he or she is telling you. What they are saying reflects the honesty of this person.

Trust is much needed for a relationship to mature and grow and to maintain a strong healthy foundation. Honesty is a prior quality needed in a relationship in order for trust to develop. Thus, if your partner is lying to you, it is difficult, if not impossible, to trust the individual. Without honesty and trust, jealousy creeps in. Let’s face it, we all get a little jealous sometimes. After all, it is a natural emotion. However, it is the extent of the reaction of the individual that counts. Trust is a two-way street that needs to be built, maintained and kept open at all times. There is no place in a relationship for continued jealous accusations. Your relationship will collapse if this is occurring.

Openness is the ability for both partners to freely express their thoughts, feelings and needs without being judged or criticized. After all, this is a free country and we are all free to express our thoughts and feelings. Thus, we should definitely be able to do so in our relationships without the other person becoming upset and angry. Unfortunately, quite often, our partner takes our comments as a direct offense against them, which was not the intent. You do not need to compromise your views.

My husband and I have learned “to agree to disagree” and respect each others views, as we see each other as intelligent individuals with different ideas. When there are problems with openness in the relationship, I see cracks occurring in the foundation of that relationship. If this is happening, be careful.

Good communication skills are a must in order to hold that relationship together. This involves learning how to communicate your message to your partner in a non-blameful manner so your partner can hear you without becoming offensive. At the same time, it means being patient that if your partner does react defensively to your message, you can slow down and hear what message your partner heard and clarify what your original message was. Many times, the message we sent, is not the message that is heard.

Conflict resolution skills will help fortify your relationship. This involves learning how to have some peaceful conflicts without having a full-fledged war. Many times we are blinded as to what we see as being the answer to a conflict. We each see it as our own way. We see it as black or white. However, in most instances, there are many different variables as options. For example, if you have two cars and one car is in the shop and two people need to go somewhere. Perhaps you are both fighting over who gets to use the car to go where they want to go. The problem isn’t who gets to use the car; “the problem is how each can go where they need to go”. This can be worked out by one transporting the other or one getting a ride from someone else. This is just one example.

Have fun and laugh and learn to relax. Have fun together. Lighten up; life is too short to be so serious all the time. Learn to laugh at yourself. Sometimes when things aren’t going well, if we can just sit back and laugh at the situation, it frees us and helps bring us back to focus.

Sometimes, we are so serious and tense, we need to let go. It invigorates and frees us to look at things differently with a fresh mind.

A great marriage consists of giving 60 percent and only expecting 40 percent in return. I hope you are building a firm strong relationship that will endure until death.