STORY TOOLS

• E-mail story
• iPod friendly
• Printer friendly

Tell us about it

• What would you add to this story? Tell us what we missed.
• Do you have photos from this event? Documents we need to see? Share with us.
• Upload photos & videos
• More ways to get your stuff online and in the paper.

More Ethics & Civility

• Ethics & Civility: Life after high school — are they prepared?
• Ethics & Civility: Screening your children’s movies
• Ethics & Civility: Don’t push your own guilt buttons — nor let your adult children do so

Share and Enjoy [?]

I have received many comments regarding my column several weeks ago on ‘Living without regret means practicing forgiveness.’ Quite a few have also requested I address this issue again in relating it specifically to parenting. So, I have decided to do so.

For those who may not have read the July 3 issue, I spoke of regret as a feeling of disappointment of wishing one had done something different, such as perhaps wishing you had bought your home earlier instead of renting for so many years.

There are also the feelings of regret that are more of sadness or perhaps shame about what one had done or not done. It takes courage to be able to talk about these feelings. It’s only after the fact, called ‘hindsight’ that we see what would have been the wisest thing to do. Prior to that, we did not have the information available.

It’s the regrets of sadness and shame that tug away at the hearts of parents over the years. Parents have cried their hearts out in my office wishing they could turn back the clocks and do things differently. But, of course that’s not possible. I’m not talking just about parents today. I’m referring to parents as far back as 31 years ago when I first started seeing parents as a counselor. In fact, I could go back further than that, being a parent myself of now adult children in their 40s.

No child comes into this world with a book of directions that spelled out exactly what that child’s genetic and emotional characteristics and capabilities and needs are. Thus, there are no chapters on discipline instructions for their various needs. Therefore, parents bring that little one home and do the best they know how.

I know for a fact that all the parents I encountered had been good parents and had done their very best. They believed in their heart they were doing the right thing at the moment they did what they did with their children. I also know many later regretted their actions.

Naturally if there’s something you have just done that you feel badly about perhaps there is something you can do to remedy the situation. If not, you can look at ways that you can prevent making that mistake in the future. Use it as a way of making changes. However, many people hold on to their guilt for years.

Perhaps the best question I could address to you parents is, how is holding on to your guilt or shame going to help you or your child? Basically, it won’t do anything for you except stifle you. Unfortunately, I found out the hard way that parenting out of guilt does not benefit the child. Due to some of the hardships my children experienced early in life, I felt sorry for them and as a single parent was too easy on them. When I realized this and changed my parenting style, it was hard for them to accept.

When we parent out of guilt, we are making a decision based upon a feeling which ultimately leads to problems. Parenting out of guilt does not help our child. It’s very difficult to set boundaries with a child when we are feeling the guilt. Our guilt clouds our minds from seeing other options that are available for perhaps better choices. Instead, our guilt grabs on to the first choice that shows the possibility of protecting that child. Unfortunately, as that child grows, we still see that individual as that little child, which definitely does not help the situation.

It’s important that you forgive yourself. Being able to forgive yourself will free you so you may look at options that are available to you to be the best parent you can be today.

---

Carolyn Katchmar is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Address questions to Ethics & Civility, Marco Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.