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Quite frequently the question comes up, ‘So what does it take to make a relationship successful?’

This is a complex question, and difficult to answer in the brevity of this column. However, I will address one aspect of it today.

For any relationship to succeed, there definitely needs to be two individuals involved who have a clearly defined sense of his or her own identity. It’s very important that each person has a clear understanding of self, of who each is and what makes each unique. Without this knowledge, it’s extremely difficult to engage in the process of an ongoing relationship in a way that functions smoothly.

Over these 30 years of providing counseling to couples, I have observed when they have a strong concept of their own identity, they can freely admire and appreciate the qualities in their partner that make him or her a unique individual. This in turn, enables them to have the intimacy and the commitment for a strong relationship. While we know that similarities may bring couples together, it seems to be the differences that provide the potential for the excitement and growth of their relationship.

Having a strong sense of self-worth enables us to set boundaries. These are limits in our relationships that allow us to protect ourselves. Perhaps you might reflect on the personal boundaries you have established for yourself.

Establishing boundaries enables us to separate our own thoughts and feelings from those of others. In doing this, we develop a strong sense of responsibility for what we think, feel and do. Thus, we are not projecting blame onto the other for our behavior.

When I speak of boundaries, I’m speaking of healthy boundaries that are flexible. These boundaries allow us to get close to others when it is appropriate and to also maintain our distance when we might be harmed or taken advantage of by getting too close. Healthy boundaries help us to take care of ourselves by setting limits. It gives us the means to protect ourselves from abuse while also paving the way to achieving true intimacy.

However, those in dysfunctional relationships have difficulty setting boundaries. Perhaps as a child, one witnessed a parent scream at them or become physically abusive. As a result, this child might have learned that their boundaries didn’t matter. As the years go by, they lack the support they need to form a healthy sense of their own identities. Unfortunately, they may learn in order to get what they want from others they need to intrude on the boundaries of others, just as their parents did.

This usually comes across as a person being very controlling in a relationship. Therefore, they grow up with a cloudy sense of their own personal boundaries. In turn, they may become rigid and inflexible in their relationships with others. It’s extremely difficult to form a close relationship with this type of person as they have a wall of protection around themselves.

Thus, I encourage you to look at yourself and ask yourself if you have boundaries that are healthy and flexible that will bring about peace, happiness and fulfillment in your relationships. If not, I encourage you to vigorously pursue what it is you can do to correct your situation.

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Carolyn Katchmar is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Address questions to Ethics & Civility, Marco Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.