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How many times have we spoken of a regret? Think about it. I have been here 18 years and if only I had a dollar for every time I heard someone say, “I wish I had invested in a piece of property when I first came to Marco.”

When we think of the word, ‘regret,’ we can look at it in different ways. In one sense, it is a feeling of disappointment, of wishing that one had done something different — as in not investing.

However, regret can also be seen as an emotional dislike for a personal act or behavior. Thus, after committing an action, a person later wishes they hadn’t done so. For example, one might say, “I feel badly I wasn’t more patient and understanding of my children when they were younger.” In this example the feeling may be more of sadness and perhaps even of shame.

When we see our regrets as disappointments, we find them more socially acceptable and thus we are more open to sharing them with others. Many of these regrets belong in the ‘Oh how I wish’ category such as: I wish I had gone to college; bought my home earlier instead of renting; started investing earlier in life. The list goes on and on.

Regrets that are not shared so openly are those of sadness or shame about some action one did or neglected to do. While this column will speak to both types of regrets, my main focus will be on these regrets of sadness or shame.

Some people are fortunate to have a close relationship with their spouse or significant other with whom they can share these types of feelings. Others have a close friend they trust with whom they can share and talk. Unfortunately, some people don’t share their regrets of shame or sadness with anyone.

When I hear people talk about their regrets of shame, my heart goes out to them. Anyone who has the ability to feel shame and sadness about what they did or did not do is indeed a good person. In most of these situations they didn’t realize that their action or inaction would be regretted later. In speaking with them, they verbalized that they believed they were doing what they felt was appropriate, yet regretted it later.

I learned to deal with my sadness and shame nearly 35 years ago when my first husband died. Denny had an opportunity to do some extra work on a boat in November in Illinois. This would give him an opportunity to make some extra money and I supported him. I was happy because we both looked forward to our ‘first Christmas to having real gifts’ under the tree for our children. Unfortunately, our plan didn’t work. He drowned on the job and my children and I were alone for Christmas.

I learned that regret is insight that comes a day too late. My regrets came after I had acquired some new information to process. Naturally, had I known what I knew then, I would never have wanted him to do the extra work! I share with everyone — we are only human beings! We do our best with the information we have at that particular time.

I encourage people to forgive themselves and move forward. Just as I would have done differently in my decision, I’m sure all of you would have done differently had you had all the new information you have today. After all, once we see what the outcome is, it’s hindsight to say what we could have done at a specific time in life. We are so tough on ourselves!

Unfortunately, some people feel so badly about some decisions they made that they bury themselves in their sadness and shame.

I would like to end with a quote I have found useful from Alexander Graham Bell, “When one door closes another opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.”

We need to forgive ourselves, raise our heads and look ahead. For anyone who believes in a higher power, forgiveness of oneself is powerful for a new beginning.

So, for today, make your best decision based upon the information you have and then let go of it. Don’t second-guess yourself.

Carolyn Katchmar is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a certified addictions professional in Florida and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors. Address questions to Ethics & Civility, Marco Eagle, P.O. Box 579, Marco Island, FL 34146. Katchmar also can be reached at ckharper@comcast.net.